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PRACTICE
GOOD COMMUNICATION
Good
communication is crucial to Healthy Sex.
You can greatly increase feelings of mutual respect, emotional
closeness, and sexual pleasure when you and your partner know how to communicate
well with each other. Knowing
how to talk openly and comfortably can help you solve sexual problems
that come up from time to time in the normal course of an on-going intimate
relationship.
Be
patient with yourself and your partner as you work to develop new communication
skills. It takes time and
a lot of practice to open up emotionally and discuss personal topics in
safe and sensitive ways.
Below
you will find Communication Guidelines for effective partner communication.
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The
Healthy Sex Communications Guidelines
© 1996 Wendy
and Larry Maltz, Maltz Counseling Associates,
all rights reserved.
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Both partners need to make a commitment to engage in a discussion about
intimate concerns.
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Choose a quiet time for discussion when you are not likely to be interrupted.
Give your undivided attention to being with your partner.
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Sit reasonably close to each other and maintain eye contact. Be aware
of the tone and volume of your voice.
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Avoid blaming, name-calling, accusations and sarcasm.
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Deal with only one issue at a time.
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State specifically and clearly what you feel and need. Use "I
statements", rather than "you statements." (Example: Say
"I felt rejected when you didn't want to hug last night" rather
than "You're so cold; the way you treat me is cruel.")
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Maintain an optimistic perspective that change is possible. Avoid bringing
up resentments from the distant past. Refrain from using the words "always"
or "never".
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Listen to your partner. Strive to understand each other's feelings
and needs. Communicate that understanding to your partner. (You can communicate
understanding and still have a different opinion or perspective than your
partner).
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When discussing sexual intimacy concerns, keep in mind that partners
are apt to feel scared, embarrassed, or hurt. Emphasize what you like
and what works well before making a new request or sharing a displeasure.
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Avoid getting sidetracked on irrelevant issues; "It happened
in 1993." "No, it was 1994." Refrain from "I'm right,
you're wrong" arguments.
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Explore and discuss various options for change. Work together to brainstorm
how individual needs can be met and feelings addressed more effectively.
Make the issue the "problem", not each other.
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See intimate problems as a normal, natural part of a relationship.
Turn them into opportunities to learn and grow as a couple.
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If you and your partner agree to a solution to the problem, try it
out, then plan to discuss in the near future how the solution is working
for both of you.
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Give yourselves permission to table discussion of an issue if you
feel no progress is being made. You each may get new insights and understandings
thinking about it independently. Make sure you resume discussion within
several days.
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